[What's Wrong is gonna be my goddamn every-once-in-awhile examination of the obvious.]

Yeah so this is old, but it's still funny and it's still wrong. Crabcore. If you don't have an IV pumping internet into your veins at all times like I do, you might not have heard of this. You are fortunate. Let me bring you down to my level, briefly.

"Crabcore" is a subsubsubgenre of hardcore (is that even a genre? Ugh, another post for another day) which involves adolescent males with very black hair and a complete lack of style pumping on easy chords and strumming like a crab. Exhibit A:

Winners, amirite? I was going to post the original video this all spawned from, but it's too gruesome. You want it anyway? I hope so. Exhibit B:

So what's wrong? Well, if you didn't actually watch it, scroll back up an inch and skip to 2:40 in. Yeah, that's what dreams are made of, baby. You see, I wouldn't have a problem with this if it wasn't serious. Hell, I'm kind of jealous of these kids because I would have loved to make this video and post it somewhere as an awesome joke. A truly epic joke. A hilarious, timeless joke. I would have stuck it between Immigrant Song and Gimme Shelter on my playlist.

The problem here is that it's serious business. I really hate sounding like an old man sometimes, but kids these days don't know anything about music, and this is proof.

I regret posting this. I feel kind of dirty. But Frankie wanted me to.

What I almost hate more than this is that there are not one but two bands named "attack attack." One has a singular exclamation point (Attack Attack!) and one has two (Attack! Attack!). I'm thinking of starting a grindcore/ska band called Tora! Tora! Tora! If you want in, please leave a comment, preferably with a video of yourself playing (or trying to play) an instrument. Ukuleles are a major bonus.

So wait a minute, wait a minute, let's break this down a little bit into smaller parts. I'm going to analyze this band and this song, specifically. (Because if I listen to any more of the band I'll probably die from what Camus refers to as philosophical suicide.) First of all, it is literally the same two or three chords the whole song. And there's like, three goddamn people on guitar. Honestly I can't tell who's on guitar because THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE. I think one of them is asian. The only thing I know for sure is that they're all ass ugly.

Okay okay, there's also a guy on keyboards. What is he doing the whole time? Wait wait, hold on, PIANO MUSIC out of nowhere? And there's like... eight breakdowns in this song. This song is literally confusing misdirection, screaming, and breakdowns. And then electropop. And that asshole drummer who looks like he's having a seizure. BANG THAT CYMBAL DUDE. THE SAME ONE OVER AND OVER. He has two snares and a kick drum and probably five fucking pedals to hit that kick because he's having a seizure and needs to be sure just to hit it at some point.

And THE SCREAMING. WHY. I'm going to take issue with the whole -core suffix genre system and immediately question all screaming.  I remember when screaming got big in the late 90s/early 00s. Nobody really liked it, but american kids felt like being violent for some reason. (Columbine? 9/11? Who knows.) I even remember being at a hardcore show, watching a bunch of lowlife teenagers form a gross wannabe moshpit, picking each other up and kicking everyone. When does that get fun? Anyway, the screaming. Yeah, you have no vocal talent, we get it, now please get off the stage. I will readily admit that there are a few good examples of hardcore that work very well because they use screaming/singing as an interesting oppositional method which organizes a dialect about the particular music's subject matter. (See: Every Time I Die's Hot Damn! album; shut up, the lead singer studied Shakespeare and it shows.) But by my trollworthy estimation, at least 98% of screaming in music is bullshit cover for an asshole who can't sing. Chicks dig this? These guys get laid? Can't play guitar and can't even sing?

While watching this video, I immediately saved it and cut it up into about six loops, most of which are the same as the dancemoves video. Whenever I get tired and I wonder what life is all about, I play them all at once across several monitors. I let the noise of it wash over me like a cold shower, reminding me that there is no point to anything anymore.

My main problem is that kids see this and grow their hair out long and dye it black and get shitty tattoos all over their body and then they hit 26 and wonder what the fuck they've been doing now that they realize they just spent 13 years working at Wal-Mart to fund their cross-country Attack Attack! tailgating. That's all I'm saying.