Oh what the fuck. Let's add this to the list of things that make me want to kill myself. Let's start with the masthead.

Thought Catalog is a place for relevant and relatable non-fiction and thought.

Relevant to what? Well, the lives of boring teenagers-who-wish-they-were-25, that's for sure. Relatable to who? This is already redundant. Here's a list of their ideals, starting with #1: "Thought Catalog is fun, smart, and creative." Let's put this shit to the test. Seriously, if you can read their list of fucking ideals and are able to restrain yourself from vomiting everywhere, you're probably not a rational human. I'm most likely not going to get beyond examining #1 in their contrived list of ideals. And by the end of my rant, they'll probably want to publish this.

Let's stop pretending that things like Thought Catalog should continue to exist. Part of the purpose for my very creation of this blog was to combat the fucking scum and villainy of things like TC. I can't call it a blog, not really. I don't want to call it a "website" either, because Fox News has a website, and it's more credible than TC. I don't really know how to do this — it's a bit unlike the other stuff I've hated on since TC is so polar opposite to what I write about. Not in subject, but in definition and examination. I especially like that nobody on the TC website takes credit for it — nobody wants to stand in front of this train wreck of adolescent misinformed idealism.

We should go through some of the terrible ideas they've posted recently. I find it important to examine just how fucking wrong people can be. Let's go on a journey together...

In Defense of Millennials

It's difficult to take a dump on your own head, but somehow us 20-somethings manage to do it repeatedly on a daily basis. We begin with this important quote:

Tom Brokaw: I’m waiting for a member of this generation to write [a book] that's simply titled "My Generation Sucks."

First of all: chill out, Tom, I'm working on it. Secondly, he's fucking dead on, and none of the article following Tom's dialogue seems to even scratch the surface at understanding what people like Brokaw are guffawing so loudly about. In fact, the childish sarcasm and butthurt irony of the entire article underscores his criticism quite wonderfully. And before you say it, I know the article is meant to be that way — that kind of bullshit is what I'm talking about.

The crux of the article centers around two basic facts: old people don't know how to use computers, so their arguments are invalid. Also, every fucking generation thinks they're better than the next one. So we get to dismiss everything they say? That makes sense. What this article actually outlines is not that every generation is ridiculed more than the previous one, but instead that every generation feels more entitled and woefully underappreciated than the last. Grow the fuck up. If you are under 30 and you're reading this on your fucking iPad, MacBook, Samsung Galaxy X39Fuckyou, you have nothing to complain about and you should shut the fuck up. Stop writing these articles.

The author examines how we're apparently "the most tolerant generation" — by my count, I'd say we're the most willfully ignorant of tolerance itself, because tolerance is hard. We'd rather ignore the difficult problems that racism, sexism, and ageism proliferate in favor of hashtagged activism/advocacy campaigns, as if they mean anything. Everyone below the age of 30 in an urban area is plenty aware of socioeconomic problems, but none of us are going to do jack shit about them. You want to do something, like the baby boomers did in the 60s? Get off your fucking ass and go volunteer somewhere. And protip: blogging about your volunteering experience is great, but not if you think a tweet about #volunteering validates your fucking existence.

We Were Something Special

Dear author of this: you are not allowed to have the following things, because you're physically and rationally incapable of them:

  1. Nostalgia. Can't do it. You haven't seen shit of the world. You have nothing to be nostalgic about.
  2. Complaints. Cars on the beach, setting off "mini fireworks"? "Across house parties"? I bet your laptop keeps you warm at night, right? I bet your parents pay for your hot water, right?
  3. Alcohol. You were 18 and it was illegal for you to drink. Drinking at parties tends to lead to bad choices. Drink some water. FYI.
  4. Feeling special. Your story is not special. And before you get mighty fucking butthurt about that, remember that it's important to remember that you are not special. It's liberating. The universe doesn't give a shit about you. Keep that in mind.
  5. Knowledge. You dated someone for a few months, then you broke up. You know what you learned from that relationship? Nothing. Get back to me when you date someone for five years and are worried about marriage. Then get back to me again when you've been married for twenty years and you have kids. Maybe then you'll actually have accrued some knowledge.

My key takeaway here is that the amount of emotional investment in one overblown scenario and/or pseudo-relationship is indicative of a broken human. Grow up. Stop being happy with the way a person was "at that exact moment" — don't you want things to get better? Let the fuck go. As one of my favorite philosophers once espoused, "if you've been sellin' weed since 1996 and ain't bumped up to cocaine by now, maybe you need to go be a Jehovah's Witness or a real estate consultant or some shit." Quit making your life so fucking BORING.

The Case For Removing All Liberal Arts From College

We really needed an article that explained about how our generation definitely already knows everything so take out all of that liberal arts crap cause we got that shit covered. We really need more kids sitting around thinking "You know what? I already know all of this philosophy stuff. I watched Hey Arnold, they taught me all that shit. I'll just skip it."

If there's one area that America, and specifically young Americans, are woefully deficient in, it's basic fucking knowledge. Like, I dunno, math and fucking science. Let alone knowing the basics of your own fucking country's history. The basic building blocks of being actually successful in the world are these little ideas called lateral thinking, curiosity, and interdisciplinary study. The basic idea being that if you become an expert at, say, MATH, and also an expert in, say, PSYCHOLOGY, your knowledge of both things together is what creates new ideas. The more stuff (arts) you add to the mix (liberally), the greater the chance of something interesting happening.

Oh fuck, that math/psychology combo has been done, it's created shit like behavioral economics. Which is currently exploiting your dumb uneducated twenty-something brain on a massive scale every time you walk into H&M to buy the latest $5 fashion — even though you just bought a whole new $5 wardrobe there last week. The world is profiting off your ignorance and you think cutting liberal arts is the best idea. Maybe we should just cut high school next, why not?

This article puts into focus that the problem is not with the college, the problem is the unfocused, bored masses of students not getting their acts together. The problem isn't the poetry program, it's your inability to understand how it'll be useful for your life. A big part of college is educating yourself — it's also part of being an adult. Your failure to do so could just as easily be written off as socioeconomic darwinism... but you slept through that class, so nevermind.

It's been proven that kids who go through arts programs are always better off and are capable of better, more stable, more lateral ideas. There's no question that something is wrong with college, but it's more about the disproportionate cost vs postgraduate debt and the perceived cultural value linked to the institution of knowledge and whether colleges are fitting that standard. The general idea being that no, the cultural/social value of higher education is not meeting up to what we believe should be its true value. That's a debate you're going to have a tough time getting college kids truly invested in since you do not yet see the goal you're fighting for. You've been bred into a system that has lied to you, and you think you know the truth before you've elevated yourself above it.

Possible Responses When People Ask "What Are You Doing With Your Life?"

In this article, the author spends a few hours writing about how he's not doing something with his life, instead of... doing something with his life. Grow up.

People ask you what you're doing with your life because they have expectations and standards, which you seem to lack. Maybe you could learn something from them, because the people asking you that question have already probably done something with their lives. They're wondering why you're playing WORDS WITH FRIENDS on your iPhone or tweeting about how tough life is, instead of living.

22 Signs You're A Typical 20-Something

For every person who needs to wonder whether they're a typical 20-something, there are a hundred fifteen year old girls watching shitty TV shows, reading TC, tweeting, facebooking, snapchatting, all of them working hard to become more shitty 20-somethings.

Really, if anything in that list actually applies to you, it means you're a fucking jerk off wannabe twenty-something year old and you should unscrew your head from your ass and get your fucking life together before your parents die of embarrassment.

16. You feel profoundly inept but also very special?

I'm gonna point this one out because you might as well have stopped the list there, closed up shop, put away your iPhone, and saved us all the insight into your nonspecific, hyperbolic, boringly self-constructed life. Go to a museum or something. Realize that the world is bigger than listing out absolute nonsense as reassuring indications of being a typical TC user. You live in the tiniest bubble floating along in the kid's pool, and somebody has been peeing on your side of the water for years, and you're too busy adding question marks to the end of your tweets to realize it.

It’s Not Who You Are, It’s What You Do

Thanks, Katie Holmes in Batman Begins. Real life sure can be summed up nice and tidy like this. Oh man, why didn't Aristotle just write this down and call it a day? I can't even go further with this article. It's that bad.

15 Moments That Make You Feel Violated

My brain felt violated while reading this. I want to rename this article "15 moments to realize that you're not actually alive, you're just a chatbot".

Being poked on Facebook? "Stealing" your tweet? I'd just like to point out that over half of the items in this list have to do with technology, none of which can actually violate you in any way. Further illustration of how much technology has taken over the lives of my generation to the point that the only way for us to feel anything is for a device to tell us how to feel. As for the other points — if someone staring at you for more than five seconds makes you uncomfortable, that's probably because you've been staring at a screen for so long you forgot what a human looks like.

Becoming A Successful Adult: The Power In Meaningless Work

Yeah, kids getting out of college will be surprised by a few things:

  1. Life is boring by default. Really fucking boring.
  2. Life is up to you. If you suck, your life will suck. Whoa.
  3. You are totally unprepared for even the most basic aspects of being an adult. Why am I not surprised?

I'll give you a fucking secret that I've figured out. Enjoy the little things, even the boring things. If you can turn "meaningless" work into something fun, that you don't mind doing most of the time, then guess what? You're better off than 90% of the people around you, who keep taking shitty jobs and hating it. If your life consists of waiting for the weekend, then you're already dead.

And you know who told me this secret? Everybody over 30. By talking to them. I didn't read it in Cosmo. I didn't read it in the New York Times. I figured it out by talking to adults.

We are not "working harder, faster, and more efficiently thanks to the internet than these 60-somethings ever could". No. Woefully untrue. Can we do more shit at once because we're ADD-riddled assholes, unwilling to make compromises because we've been force-fed how special we are and how Fred Rogers loved us? Yeah. But we're all that way. That makes us expendable. Getting a 20-something kid who can work really hard and fast and burn out is easy. They're idiots. They're wind-up dolls. They'll bounce from job to job and never have any clear sense of self. That's you.

Talk to a woman who has been working at the same company for 20+ years. You can't even fucking fathom that shit, not even at a basic level. That level of dedication, respect, seniority. The idea that you are a part of something, even if it's a boring company working in bumfuck nowhere. None of us in my generation should be worried about having "nothing to show for our efforts". That's insanity. You're gauging your life by mindless, materialistic goals. What invitation do you need to do something awesome? Why do you feel like you need a trophy when you've accomplished it?

If you can get to age 60, sit back, and say "I've made a life" — whatever it is — you're a success in the eyes of the universe. Anything above that is ambition, and it'll only get you so far. It's the same problem we have with college: if everyone is in college, the value of a college degree must decrease. Value is driven by scarcity. If everyone is trying to be materially successful, then everyone will end up unhappy. Pick the right way to measure your own fucking life, that you decide, and let it be informed over time instead of right now. In your twenties, you don't know who you'll be in five years, let alone ten. You can't remember who you were five years ago.

Grow up. Moving on.

Social Media And The Rise Of The Internet Validation Culture

You must be joking.

This speaks to a phenomenon that not a lot of people discuss and is, for the most part, overlooked as a normal facet of living in today's world. That phenomenon is the deep, seemingly unquenchable need for acceptance from either our peers or persons unknown.

Overlooked? Have you heard of this thing called advertising? It's this industry based on the "need" you're talking about. Buy shit that makes you feel accepted and a part of a group.

The only thing Facebook and Twitter are doing is cashing in on your idiotic inability to recognize your own naivety. Congrats. And I'm glad your source for knowledge on this shit is Wikipedia. Books are just so fucking hard these days. You watch Mad Men religiously and you can't figure this shit out?

It's in our nature to want to feel like we're a part of a social group.

Horses have that nature, too, you know. Still doesn't answer any questions or reveal anything special about us. Get over it.

Why Your 20s Matter

Your 20s don't really matter, and if they do, you're doing it wrong. This is the same delusion people have when they say High School is supposed to be "the greatest time of your life". It's insanity. Stop measuring your life with these bullshit goalposts and milestones. Anyone who says "30 is the new 20" is just a shithead who didn't have a good time in their 20s, and they want to make everyone feel bad about it, probably because they're unable to accept responsibility for where their life has gone.

You're comparing yourself to Henry VIII? What planet are you on? Who writes this shit? Why is this whole site just a constant defense of shitty 20-something-year-olds? If our 20s are when we "define our personalities for the rest of our lives", why do I keep running into 20-something-year-old assholes who think that being 22 will last forever?

Ultimately this article goes nowhere and doesn't actually render any thought as to why our 20s matter, other than at one point in the 16th century an English king decided he wanted to fuck somebody younger. But he was tied down by that whole marriage thing. And we're still working on that whole marriage thing to this day. He sure made progress for us.

We apparently all need "to compromise, to have open and honest conversations, and empathy, compassion, concern, care and love" but not on this crazy Thought Catalog blog site thing. The most understated bit of the post:

This newfound freedom and choice that we now have is absolutely a good thing, but as with all human things, it is a bit of a mixed blessing, as well.

No fucking way. Is this code for "we're taking our freedom and fucking ourselves in the ass with it"? Because if it's not, then I have some slight copyedits coming your way. You should examine that point a bit more.

5 Things College Teaches You About Life

Here's TC's five-step guide to college success, based on their list:

  1. Don't pay for anything, but make sure you have the stupid high standards of veganism and a strict Whole Foods mentality.
  2. Drink, but don't expect to actually find anyone worthwhile while doing this. This is actually good advice, but —
  3. Have sex with as many people as possible. Wait. Hold on. Don't drink, because you won't remember somebody's number, but who cares because you should just have sex with them? Don't do what your parents did? I'm confused. Why can't I drink and fuck?
  4. Oh, and while you're drinking and fucking everybody at these crazy college parties (you must be at one of those shitty state schools that has too many liberal arts), throw up a profile on OKCupid and get that online hookup engine revving as well.
  5. And you know what, since we're all having so much sex, we can't accomplish anything, so don't bother graduating from college. Just stay in your shitty adolescence forever. Why not. Whatever happened to that girl earlier who had that one great two-month relationship on a beach at 18? Why even bother going to college in the first place?

Seems legit.

What have we learned.

Thought Catalog should either start reading its own articles to create a recursive self-destructing feedback loop, or we should just stop pretending it's acceptable. Stop reading it. I'm never going back again. I made a horrible mistake reading enough of it to write this blog post. I'll let you judge for yourself whether TC is "fun, smart, and creative".